Fan Fiction Contest: Under the Twinkle Light Sky

Under the Twinkle Light Sky

I’m fairly certain I’m shaking. Visibly shaking. I need to calm down. It’s not like I’m alone, in an art studio with the hottest boy to ever grace Stony Creek.

But I am. Alone with Mark Fields. In his art studio.

Just last Christmas he was asking if I would model for him. Now, we have been to Prom together, gone on a couple dates, and hung out with my group of friends. Even with the rumors Meghan has started about me, I’m so happy I could explode.

That’s why I’m shaking. How am I supposed to just sit here as Marks beautiful chocolatey eyes scrutinize every inch of me. He looks up, stares for a minute then gets back to sketching. I can almost hear the gears in his head turning as he measures the space between my eyes and the size of my nose. Is this shirt too tight? Or cut too low? What does he think of my hands? I think they are too rough and worn looking.

Oh no! Mark just looked up again. But this time he is smiling and standing up.

“Jenny, why are you shaking? Is it too cold in here for you?” Mark asked as he crossed the room to me. He ran his hands up and down my arms. But my goose bumps aren’t because of the temperature in the room.

“No. I’m just nervous.” I say as I look towards the floor. I’m naturally shy. So looking Mark in the face isn’t always easy. Sometimes I have a hard time looking at him without visualizing us kissing.

“Hey. Look at me Jenny. what’s going on in your head?” Mark lifts my chin up.

“I was thinking about the night you asked me to model for you. That night was one of the best nights of my life. You make me feel like everything I say is important. You see me. I often feel like I can blend in with my surroundings and hide, but you always seem to see where I am and pull me out. Even at prom, you made me feel as if I am more than a wallflower. I really appreciate that, Mark.” I was speaking just above a whisper but he had brought his face so close to my own I knew he could hear me.

“Oh Jenny. You are beautiful. I adore how laid back you are and how observant you are. You are kind and caring, and you listen. I’m from a big family, so I can attest to how wonderful it is to just have someone around who will listen when I talk.” Mark leaned his forehead against mine.

I took a deep breath and gazed deeply into his eyes. We had shared a kiss after prom. But here, in his studio was special.

Mark was looking at me again in that calculating way of his. I stopped trembling long enough to realize he was moving again. I tilted my face up to meet his and our lips connected. My breathing sped up as he deepened the kiss and for a moment I thought maybe this is what heaven is like.
He stepped back and broke the spell. His cheeks expanded with a smile.

“Kissing you is better than apple pie covered in ice cream and caramel sauce.” He said.

I’m sure my blush made me look like a big tomato.

“Now, if you can stop trembling long enough for me to finish sketching, I will take you out for dinner.” He smiled again and fixed the bun at the back of his head.

I started laughing. “Deal.”

***

A few days later I was sitting at home listening to Caitlin’s ring back song. I was singing along to N’Sync’s “This I Promise You,” when she answered.

“Hello?”

“Caitlin? It’s Jenny!”

“Hey Jenny, how are you?”

“I’m doing great. I wanted to call and see how you are doing in the big city? What’s it like?”

“Jenny, slow down.” She’s laughing at me. “I’m well. The city is beautiful and filled with people always rushing around. Everyone here seems to be going somewhere. Like they have important business every second of every day. How are you? What is going on in Stony Creek? How’s Mark? How are things with Meghan?”

“Things are improving. Trish came home and she seems to be handling Meghan. We are all getting ready for the wedding. Trish even has Adrian helping out. Mark is great. He is really making progress on his collection of paintings. I spend a lot of time just sitting in his studio as he paints.” I laugh.

“That sounds amazing Jenny. Thank You for keeping an eye on Adrian. I appreciate it. I miss him so much. I didn’t realize how much being separated from him would hurt.”

“Yea, I’m worried about how I will ever survive being separated from Mark. Summer is slipping away from us. I hope he won’t forget about me when he is studying abroad. He set me up with Skype so I can talk to him. Maybe you and Adrian should get Skype.” The phone was quiet for some time before Caitlin responded.

“Yea. I don’t really have time for that right now. My internship is keeping me super busy.”

“Caitlin do you need to talk about something? Are you okay?”
“I’m just trying to figure out my life. This internship has opened new doors for me. Don’t worry Jenny. I’m coming home at the end of the summer, but I may have some new ideas for my future when I do. Thanks for calling. I miss you all.”

“Thanks for chatting. I think tomorrow I’m going to spend more time with Mark. Now I’m thinking about making every minute count. I don’t want any of the girls in Paris turning his head. Good night Caitlin.”

“Good night, Jenny.” I hung up the phone and stared at it. I could sense Caitlin was near depression and I knew in just over a month, I would be feeling that way. Mark had changed my life. I needed to make sure he knew that before he left.

***

I did a small twirl in front of the mirror again. My hair was curled and partially pinned up. Trish had written instructions on how to apply my makeup and I was satisfied with the outcome. My knee length blush dress had a pleated skirt and off the shoulder top. I was certain Mark was going to look amazing in a tux and I hoped I could look semi decent next to him.

All I needed now was to strap on my sweet little flats. So I headed downstairs. I turned the corner into the kitchen where Jack sat at the table.

“Isn’t that dress a little revealing for you to wear to a wedding?” He said.

I looked down. everything was covered and the neckline was modest. I blushed and looked up at him.

“We wouldn’t want people to think Meghan’s words are more than just rumors would we?” Jack sneered at me.

“Why are you being so mean to me?” I could feel the tears pricking my eyes.

“Mark is too old for you. And why do you like him anyways? He is putting ideas in your head, Jenny. You are meant to stay here in Stony Creek, not to travel the world with an artist.”

“Jack. Mark is a good guy. He cares about me. And he genuinely wants me to live a life full of happiness and fulfillment. You’re my twin! You of all people are supposed to support me.”

Jack stood up from the table and came across the room. “He isn’t right for you. Don’t do something with him that you will regret. After Paris, Mark will leave you. I just want you to be prepared for him to disappoint you.”

I took a step backward. “I am well aware that Mark may break up with me. I know what is going on. And I’m prepared for the heartbreak. And I have no intention of being a slut, Jack. You are wrong about Mark.”

A knock at the door startled us both. I wiped the tears from my cheeks. I ran to the front room, grabbing my shoes, and a light sweater. I opened the door and looked up into Mark’s eyes. I walked outside and closed the door before reaching down to fasten my shoes.

“Jenny, what happened? Why are you crying?” Mark folded me into his arms.

“Jack was just very nasty to me. He called me a slut.”

Mark smoothed down my hair and held me even closer. “Jenny, I’m so sorry. I seem to have only caused you pain. I never meant for this to happen.”

“No, Mark. This isn’t your fault. We haven’t done anything wrong. I just don’t understand what’s going on. I want to be with you. I want to hang onto every minute we have together. Even if you break up with me after your time in Paris, it will have all been worth it.”

“Ah I see. So that is what is really upsetting you.” Mark pulled back and looked into my eyes. “Jenny, you are very precious to me. And I am not going to break up with you. Not now, not after Paris. I plan to be around you for a very long time.”

I smiled and wiped the tears from face. “Let’s get out of here.”

***

The wedding was beautiful. The bride and groom smiled so much they glowed. Mark looked fantastic in his suit. Mark came over to the table I was seated at and extended his hand. He smiled.

“May I have this dance?”

“I would be honored.” I stood up and he escorted me to the dance floor.

The DJ put on “Bless the Broken Road” by Rascal Flatts. Mark placed his hand on my hip and took the other in his own. He began to lead me in small circles around the floor. He leaned his head in and touched my forehead with his.

“Jenny, I want you to know something before I leave for Paris.”

I looked up. “What is it Mark?”

“You have been the best thing to ever happen to me. Every minute of every day with you is precious and exciting. You inspire me and my art. You make me want to be a better person. And you make me want to have fun. You are so much more than you give yourself credit for.” He spun me out and away from him before pulling me back in. “And, I love you.”

I stopped. Right there in the middle of the dance floor.

“I’m coming back to you after Paris. I hope you will wait for me. I love you, Jenny. Some days I even regret agreeing to study abroad. Will you wait for me to come back? Will you chat with me through Skype and keep me company?”

I started to cry. He swiped his thumb across my cheek to wipe away the tears. My mind was whirling. I nearly pinched myself in disbelief. The twinkle lights had begun to blur together behind his head and I realized I was holding my breath. I released the breath slowly.

“Well, that was unexpected. I love you too, Mark. Of course I will Skype with you and wait for you. I will be here when you come home.”
  
Mark picked me up and twirled me around. He hooped and hollered a little. Then he set me down and kissed me. Really kissed me. The kind of deep and passionate kiss that makes it into epic movies like “Princess Bride.”

Separation may be a scary thing, but surely we would make it. I knew it in my bones. All great love stories have some sort of obstacle. Ours would be Paris. But this kiss, in this moment, meant more than words could say.

Love the Sinner, Hate the Sin

Now that we have a basic understanding of what I consider three of the most confusing words in Christianity, how about we begin exploring concepts.

This concept is not a new one. And, since I attended a christian university, I have also found it is widely debated. I have heard people say things like, "the phrase should be changed to 'Love the Sinner and Accept the Sin'." Or one of my favorites, "Love the Sinner and Forgive the Sin."

I hate to tell you this, but you are not God. You cannot forgive Sin. But you can be His love to others. And that is what I believe this phrase is really about.

I hate Sin. Now, I know the word hate is a strong word. But based on the definition of sin I have already given you, I hope you understand that hating Sin is a side effect of me carrying Christ's love within me. How could I possibly feel anything but hate for something which hurts you or causes you pain? I can't. It is impossible.

Let me explain.

One of my best friends in the entire world is bi-sexual. He is actually more like another piece of me. He understands the artists heart inside of me. And he can read the emotions between the lines of my letters and call me out on my crap even though we have been unable to see each other in person for over 10 years. His family moved away when we were in Jr. High. And we have been pen pals and then e-mail pals and phone pals ever since. Because in truth, I don't know where I would be without him. He was a source of my strength during my mother's illness. So much so, that I still feel like I could never pay him back for keeping me sane in such a trying time.

Ironically, he considers me one of the few people who really knows and loves him.

I know what you are thinking, yes it is ironic. How can someone who believes homosexuality, in any form, is a sin, possibly have a best friend who is bi-sexual? Easily. He is my best friend. His sexual orientation is not something I judge him on. He has actually said that to me. And I am so grateful the Lord taught me how to love. Because I cannot possibly imagine losing my best friend over something I have no right condemning him for.

But I try not to judge anyone. It is not my place to judge. I am NOT God. Which is something I am very thankful for. What you do; what sins you commit are between you and God. I am called to love you no matter what. And that is what I do with my friends. And I try very hard to do that with everyone I know. No matter what, I will love you. Because Christ did, does and always will love you.

You and I are sinners. God loves us. Therefore we must also love each other. No matter what.

However, sin is that which separates us from God and causes mental, physical, spiritual or emotional damage to us as we walk this earth. Therefore, I cannot tolerate sin. I must hate it. I am compelled to hate it, because I love you. Because I love you, I cannot love that which hurts you.

So, I support the concept of loving the sinner and hating the sin. And I will continue to support the phrase as a true way to love one another.

A Series of Definitions: Evil

I was 13 when my mother was diagnosed with an incurable illness. By incurable I mean, the illness should have killed her within weeks of diagnosis. And that is when I first began to ponder the phrase; "Why do bad things happen to good people?" I didn't choose the phrase, someone brought it up when they found out my mom was dying. And from there I was like a dog with a bone. Because the phrase is easily answered to me. The Bible tells us that we will be tried and tested so as to become stronger. And for me...that is enough.  See Proverbs 27, Isaiah 64 and Jeremiah 18. (the example of the potter is my favorite when addressing the shaping and forming of believers.)

What wasn't enough was the not knowing what Evil was...or is. How do you define a word like Evil? I hardly think I can define the word Good. I merely believe God is the definition of Good.

But what is Evil? So because I had to...I have studied theories and listened to debates. I have read the Bible. And then when I still couldn't define Evil, I read books on Satan and his existence and his methods. And then I took a class in college. I crashed the class and begged to get in. "The Problem of Evil," was a class directed by a professor who had spent years of his life studying and writing papers on Evil. And yet, in the end I believe I puzzled him because I have managed to define Evil. And I accept that with Freewill there must be Evil. My spirit feels no conflict over accepting Evil as part of Freewill because I value Freewill above just about everything.

Evil:
 If a boy is locked inside a cave and kept there his entire life, what does he know? Darkness. The boy is now a man of 45 and upon being introduced to you he will tell you of nothing but the darkness and how it changes. He may know only of hunting animals and killing, for that is how he survived all these years. He may know only of the partial light that sometimes filters from farther down the cave. But he does not know what light is. He knows not of the sun and the moon. Or even the world at large. How will you judge him? If he insisted that the sun did not exist would you punish him? He knows not of the sun and yet you would punish him? 

Now, someone is raised in a culture void of God. They commit what we would call immoral acts and horrid crimes. Are they Evil?

 I answered no. I do not believe you can be Evil if you have not first been introduced to the Son. In essence, without the knowledge of what Good is and who God is, I believe you are merely living in a life of Darkness. 

Now, if you have the access to that knowledge and know of morality and goodness and what it means to live in the Light and you CHOOSE Darkness, you are Evil. Your choice has been made. And the acts you commit during that time of choosing are Evil.

All things which stem from Satan are Evil. However, he does not have the power to make you do anything. You choose what whispers you listen to and what actions you commit. So whilst I can say that Satan is Evil, I cannot say that he made you do Evil things. For even Satan made a choice at some point in his existence, when, whilst standing near the Light, he choose to leave. And thus began a life without Light. A life in Darkness. And now he is the definition of Evil. A life chosen by one who has knowledge of the Light but chooses not to live in the Light, but rather in the Darkness and thusly commits Evil acts.

Don't worry, I am not here to debate morals on this one. There are plenty of criminals out there that I am more than willing to punish for commiting horrendous crimes. However, I am NOT God and therefore I cannot judge another's heart. That is something only God can do. I can merely attempt to grasp what these words we use really mean. And although I believe that we cannot know it all and will never know the true meaning of some, if not all these words we toss around in theological study or church or even in everyday usage...I still strive to understand them. Like I said...I'm a dog with a bone. And I'm loving every moment of it.

And in case you were wondering, my mom lived. But that is a story for another time. I promise, it is worth the wait.
  

A Series of Definitions: Sin

When I started working in retail seven years ago, I wish I had been given a dictionary of words and phrases commonly used in retail during orientation. Because really, how many of you who do not work in retail would know what an end gable is? or how to properly "zone"? (Just for the curious: an end gable is the tall ending of the cross fixtures that run throughout the store where merchandise can be displayed for customers. And "zoning" is what we do to keep the store merchandise organized and full and makes the store look beautiful for our customers.)

Having grown up within The Church I was given many words at a very young age that meant little to me. Sin is one of those words that until later in life was vague. The definition I was given in church was; "Sin: anything which separates us from God."

Although I have come to believe this is indeed a great definition, it is still vague. So once again, here is my definition of Sin.

Sin
I completely agree with my church that part of the definition of sin is anything which separates from God. But how does one know what it is that separates us from God? Are they actions? Or words? Thoughts? Sometimes can sin be the fleeting thought of jealousy which flutters between heartbeats?

See what I mean? Clearly I ponder too much.

So, I add unto their definition this portion of mine own. Sin is also that which does harm to you. Harm mentally, physically, emotionally or spiritually.

Truly, separation from God occurs when you choose, with foreknowledge, to turn against moral and righteous choices. And instead do that which pleases the world and/or harms humanity in some way.

Then you have sins such as coveting another's possessions, allowing substances to take over your mind and physical lewdness. Now, whilst I can see how these would separate you from God in that they place above God another person or object (s). They can and often are also very harmful to the one committing the sin.

Wanting what others have can lead to bankruptcy. Or anger at not being able to gain it. Or even, drive a wedge between a man and his wife.

Substance abuse can lead to car accidents, seizures, ailments of the body, bleeding, depression and other emotional up's and down's.

Promiscuity can lead to STD's. I feel almost as if that would be enough said. However, I also feel that emotional scars can be gained in such a way as well. Either one is not prepared for their first time, or one is emotionally invested in a way that the other is not.

These are just alternate scenarios and just possibilities. But think on it. I believe God is benevolent. That He loves us and cares for us. And that these laws and commands are given to us because he hopes to save us from agony and pain. We can come back to Him. He will love us always. But sin, takes us from Him by turning our mind to things or people that we then place above Him. We make them more important. And sin harms us. Sins are those things which drive us to repentance. I do not pretend to be very good at avoiding them. But I believe I now better understand what they are and how they occur. And how best to try and live my life without them.

Would you agree with me then? That Sin was a word given to us so that we might avoid harming ourselves in all possible ways and also to prevent us from being separated from God for even a moment. For a moment is too long to be without His warmth of comfort and love.

A Series of Definitions: Christ-ian

I figure a series of definitions is needed so my readers can understand my core theology a bit better. Please, feel free to disagree with any of these definitions. But they have been forged from my life experience, reading the Bible, reading the works of theologians, reading the works of everyday men/women, conversations with Ph.D's, meditation on God's word, and discussions with friends. So, over the next several posts I will define those things which I believe are core to defining Faith. Without having your own understanding of what each of these concepts means...can you really know your own Faith?

Christian

I was born, baptized and raised in the church. That doesn't mean I know much, but it does mean I was taught early on that "Christian" means "Follower of Christ." Of course after this each denomination takes on their own unique interpretation of what it means to "follow" Christ. And whatever denomination you are, well that is up to you.

But as a Christian, how do you and I define what it means to be Christian?

I define myself as a follower of Christ. Now, let me warn you...I am an open-minded believer. I believe coming to be a follower of Christ is EXTREMELY easy. But, I am a narrow-minded follower. Following Christ...that is hard. Because He lived a life I can only strive to live. And whilst I hold no one but myself to those standards, they are standards I believe are laid out plainly throughout the Bible and are not unobtainable.

Let me explain....

Coming to Christ is easy. I was taught in Bible classes on Sunday mornings that coming to Christ is as easy as A,B,C.

A is for Acceptance. You must first accept God exists and Christ is the Son of God. Then let Him into your heart. Salvation is a free gift. No strings attached. And no way you can earn it or buy it. You must accept His love freely and willingly. He will NEVER force you into salvation. It's a free will thing.

B is for Belief. If you believe God sent His only Son to live amongst mankind and die for our sins as the perfect sacrifice and that Christ then rose from the dead to live again before ascending to Heaven to prepare a place for us, then you will be saved.

C is for Confess. If you confess your sins to God and believe He can and will forgive you of those sins, you will be saved.

But you must do all three steps or your heart will not truly belong to the Lord. And that is all I believe it takes to become a follower of Christ.

Now, the hard part. How do you actively stay a Christian?

The path of the righteous is fraught with hardship. Christ never said following Him would be easy. However, it is worth it. I believe in being baptized twice. Once with water as a public declaration of your new birth into the Family of Christ. And once with the Holy Spirit. When you welcome the Spirit of the Lord into your life, you are welcoming the portion of God that comforts and guides and is with us 24/7.    

Once you have the Spirit within you there are ways to maintain your walk with Christ. Prayer, meditation on God's word (the Bible), working to be moral and upright. Loving the Lord your God with all your heart, mind and soul. And Loving each other as Christ loves you. And of course, taking care not to sin. Sin will be defined later. I think it is important to know what sin is.

Following Christ requires loving till it hurts, actively seeking God's presence, asking forgiveness for sins regularly, living an upright and moral life, sacrifice, and being prepared to go and do whatever, whenever, God asks you to. Following Christ also requires flexibility because God has His own timing. And of course it requires dedication and patience. As well as, a willingness to apologize when you are wrong. And honesty that runs as deep as your heart. 

See what I mean about hard? These are not things that come naturally to our culture. But they are necessary in my opinion if you are to truly call yourself a follower of Christ. Being a Christian is a full time commitment. And SO worth it. 

So you see, the definition of a Christian is really not just one thing. But rather many things combined. You can easily become one, but are you truly a Christian? Or are you merely living under the lable? I do not allow the word Christian to define my life but rather I define it. I must live my life as best I can following the example Christ gave us. Only in that way can I call myself a "Follower of Christ". And only then am I confident enough to describe myself as a Christian.

Are you living under a lable? Or are you the definition incarnate?

A Letter of Introduction

Dear Reader,

 

I have often felt that it is only with the heart that one can even begin to write. For the heart is the conduit God uses to reach us. So, I believe it to only be proper if I lay my heart before you in this first post and then you may judge for yourself if you will continue to pursue conversation with me, or stop here. Neither decision is held against you. For I publish this blog only because I feel that I must. I must write of the thoughts in my head or live with the knowledge that I have kept locked up those things which God has given me to ponder.

For ponder is what I do. And I do so Passionately. My mind is as a beehive. Active. And filled with small compartments which each function to consider the bigger picture. But I am not one who sees the big picture in life. I see several small ones. And really, honestly, I see no pictures at all. I see stories. I hear them. Every thread of life which blends together to create this picture in which we live. We are a tapestry and each thread is a life; a story. Your story. My story. They are what matter. No man or woman lives without having told a story.

I am a writer. This is truth. Words pour forth from my body as if they were my life's blood. This is what God has given me. And it is for this gift that I thank Him daily. For how else does one live? And live I do. By writing. And also, by consuming as much of the written word as humanly possible. I have not the time nor the length of days to enjoy as much of literature as there is available. And I have not the ability to listen to every story. Oh, but how I do try. I can sit and listen to my friends and "see" their stories. I hope my own will someday be worth the telling. If only because I hope that I can live a life of worship to God.

Everyone has those little sayings that they write over and over again in Yearbooks. You know: "I am signing your crack" or "Have a Great Summer." Well in High School I began writing this phrase, "Remember my friend, it is not the beginning or the end that matter. But rather, who affected you and whom you affected along the journey that truly matters." I believe it is only now, nearly 8 years later, that I begin to understand what that phrase really means. You see I am faulty. I am not perfect. And it is only thru the Grace of God that I grow and learn and change and have the ability to become a useful tool for His goodwill. And truly, the people who affected me then and who affect me now are the ones that matter most. No matter positive or negative influence, the affect and how I handle their momentary collision with my life is what will ultimately shape my final being.

I am a creation much like the Phoenix. I live a life of hot pursuit only to become a pile of ashes as evening falls. And with the rising of the Son I am renewed. Hopefully, I come out wiser.

So, here I am. Imperfect. But being made more perfect thru the understanding and gleaning of knowledge and wisdom. This blog is to restore Your Hope. Despair and Depression have no place here. But rather, here lay Hope. The hope that comes from freedom. Freedom to proclaim and discuss thoughts. To read of uplifting promises. To exist without being judged. And to in time lay your heart open before the Lord. Then may you too be used to fulfill His good will.

Yours Truly,

Earnestly Seeking God's Answers